Tuesday, January 28, 2014
I have no idea when the last time was that I actually closed my eyes at night and kept them closed until morning. I struggle with sleep on my own, so I need no help being awake when I should be sleeping, but it seems someone else, a small 3 year old, feels it necessary to wake me up every single night. And if it’s not the kid, it’s the snoring husband, my relentlessly wandering mind, or the bastard cat. This morning at 3 am Lailah came barging out of her room wanting a waffle, and proceeded to reach near meltdown when I told her that we don’t have waffles at 3 in the morning. I was able to get her to at least stay in her room and watch Monsters University on the tablet while I went and lay back down. But, I never did get back to sleep, and by 4:30 (15 minutes before the alarm was set to go off) she was back in my room - angry that I had conned her out of her waffle, and pissed off that she had been persuaded to stay in her room. So, like a scene out of Groundhog’s Day, it’s up and at em’, blurry eyed and ornery, wondering how I am going to function at work. This happens more often than not, and I start to feel like I am going to lose my mind. I gorge myself on copious amounts of caffeine and am prone to making bad food choices, I drive my shitty commute in a fog, mind flooded with petty thoughts about how I wish I lived closer to work, about how I wish I didn’t have to work at all, and in a downward spiral it becomes about how I feel like I make more sacrifices than the other half, about how I feel like I do more than I am capable, then guilt sets in. I chose to be a Mom, I chose to be a wife, but so often I feel like I fail at both, and in all honesty, sometimes I wonder why I chose either. Before you gasp, please know that I wouldn’t trade either for the world, and I am so thankful that we are healthy, and we don’t have struggles that other families have. Life, I know, could be so-much-worse, but these are my feelings right now, and so help me if there isn’t someone else out there who feels the same way. Please someone affirm to me that I am not completely trite in expressing such a silly list of selfish woes. I tell myself things will get better, and I am sure that they will. Someday Lailah will enjoy sleep as much as I do, someday I will have more energy, someday I will be able to have more time for myself, someday I will have the energy to be that mom/wife who has homemade dinner on the table and not some flimsy reheated piece of pizza, someday, someday. Until then, I guess I will just make the best of waffles, at 3 am.
Monday, January 27, 2014
I was able to spend some time this past weekend to myself, so I headed out to Midway to get out of the inversion and check out the Ice Castles. Neither disappointed; the castles were amazing and it was nice to breathe the air rather than chew it. I also stopped off the side of the road and walked along a creek for a while; even with the white stuff on the ground it was beautiful and quiet – the only sounds were my feet crunching in the snow and the slow trickle of water at my side. While I am looking forward more than ever to warm and sunny weather, quiet moments like that help to better deal with the winter.
On a side note, I would be lying if I didn’t say that I miss time to myself, the time went by way too fast that day, and I would also be lying if I didn’t say that I feel incredibly guilty for saying so. When you decide to have a child, as much as it kind of goes without saying - nobody bothers to mention that you will have near to no time to yourself, and that when you have time to yourself you will feel incredibly rushed to get back to your motherly duties. I have no idea what I would do without the support of awesome parents and in-laws to help out as much as they do. I will forever be indebted; no amount of “thank you’s” could ever quite convey my appreciation.
I also got to spend a lot of time with Lailah, just the two of us. We went on adventures, solved mysteries, and made messes. She made me laugh, she made me mad, we had quiet moments and loud moments, happy moments and crazy moments. All moments that I wouldn’t change for anything. She sure missed her Dad this weekend though, and was glad to have him home. All weekend long, starting Friday when he left, she kept asking me if it was Sunday yet. She must like him or something. Either that, or she knew she wouldn’t be able to get away with things throughout the weekend that he would otherwise let her get away with. She’s sly like that.
Monday, January 20, 2014
I write this blog as a means of keeping hold of memories and the randomness of the year, and I have been absent for far too long. Since July? My heart sank when I realized it had been that long. Much has happened since my last post that I couldn’t remember if I tried. So, as a gift to myself (and a curse, because it requires time after all), I am going to make the most of being present throughout the year.
January is a hard month to try and start back up. It’s gray, I feel uninspired to take pictures, and we are cooped up in the house most of the time. I do my best to keep Lailah busy with random crafts and things, but I would be kidding myself if I tried to make it sound like I enjoy this month. I crave color, life, blue skies and diminished pollution. I wish I could say I enjoy being outside as much as Lailah does, I loathe the cold and once I get chilled I seem unable to get warm again, it’s like I am stuck in a proverbial state of freezdom, blood coagulated, joints stiff, brain fogged. Spring, where are you? Please come soon.